A monologue: Cars

I like cars as much as the next guy but that's not really true because I live in rural Iowa and everyone is a verified car expert but me. Either way the only three things, I know what to do is pump gas, turn the car on and brag about, how my car has V8.

I like how driving cars is usually civilized but the second you hit the highway it's an all-out war. I was driving on the interstate, when I saw a minivan, passing people left in right. This wasn't your usually minivan, it  was repping gold rims and was blaring rap music. “I was like not going to get passed by a ghetto van today” I said to myself. So I sped up and I was going like 90 down the inner state but then people started to pull over to side and then out of nowhere the minivan got pulled over because he was spending right behind me. The lesson is always be in front and don t drive a vehicle with gold rims. Also having a car what looks exactly like a cop car doesn’t hurt in a high speed minivan race.

I am weird when it comes to parking. I can park somewhat decent if I park with two cars by me, I can do it just fine but if I got no cars by me for scale then my parking job is going to be terrible. I can parallel park quite well. The the only reason, I passed drivers Ed, is because I aced the parallel parking portion what counted for 40%. I even got a sarcastic award for "best parking job". I don't want to brag but that's a pretty prestigious award.

My mom always bragged about how my older brother and sister could change a tire at the age of eight. Its not that I don’t understand how. It that’s it really just impossible as far as we know, tires are from a distant land. Sure they were invented by cave men but I never saw them change a tire.

Also on the subject of tires. I was driving down the road when my tire popped I knew immediately something was wrong. I drove to my brother’s house and told him what had happen. He told me to figure it out. Now it was like negative ten degrees outside because it’s Iowa. So I  was sitting out there digging out my car. When I  pull out this wrench thing. He told me that this is what  needed, to undo the lug nuts. I said what are lug nuts. He proceeded to go on a rant, for about 5 minutes about how are generation doesn’t pay attention. I don’t know 100%  of what he said but it started to blank out for me. He said “that I needed a jack and I said like a Lawrence, he didn’t get it”? I tried jacking the cop car up but it was buried in a bunch of snow. I eventually just went back inside. Where he gave me some Yoda advice, on how to change a tire but I failed epically. Also trying to get a jack in the right place is really hard, I don’t care who you are, its still impossible. After two hours I gave up and ended up passing out on his couch. I then proceeded to have a scary dream of car tires rolling after me and eating me with there rim mouth. I woke up to find that the tire was changed with a post it note on it. It said “you only get lucky once punk” –Zander.  This taught me that as long as you are completely incompetent at doing something, your awesome brother who is coordinated will come and save you. The real lesson is hear, is be nice to your brother.

Driving has its downfalls other. Like how when you just want eat that last piece of pizza from Casey’s but you do it anyway. You get all of the dirty looks in the world. Especially in a cop car. Its really bad if you get in a crash and you are totally going to get blamed. Its fair but come on bro, do you not smell that “mazing “pizza sure is it going to kill me twenty years from diabetes  but it’s the best to me on this planet. So sorry I rammed into your Prius but maybe if you didn’t buy a car that runs on the samething my Xbox does, we wouldn’t be having this issue. The key in this scenario is two hope its an out of towner and then give him that fake insurance you printed off week ago from that sketchy website that Craig from accounting sent you too.

The morale of story is that, just because your not a car guy doesn’t mean you cant appreciate the two ton mechanical horse we drive.